Asch the Bloody (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
stupidgenes) wrote2011-06-09 05:30 am
stupidgenes) wrote2011-06-09 05:30 am
Entry tags:
XX3: Vulnerable [Voice - backdated to June 8]
[Low voice. Quiet admissions.]
I'm pathetic. All I wanted--needed--was their approval, their acceptance.
Nothing was ever good enough. I'm always... too soft, too weak.
Too worthless.
Meaningless.
All I wanted was to exist.
I just wanted a reason to be alive. But the only reason I found--
[Insert stifled, choked sob here.]
PATHETIC.
[Recorded silence that lasts a few seconds too long. Awkward. /end]
I'm pathetic. All I wanted--needed--was their approval, their acceptance.
Nothing was ever good enough. I'm always... too soft, too weak.
Too worthless.
Meaningless.
All I wanted was to exist.
I just wanted a reason to be alive. But the only reason I found--
[Insert stifled, choked sob here.]
PATHETIC.
[Recorded silence that lasts a few seconds too long. Awkward. /end]
no subject
[Asch is a little more than lost right now.
Here he is, fessing up to feelings of inadequacy that have always been hiding somewhere behind his resolute outdoor voice. He's never trusted anyone but himself, never sought counsel regarding his fears. Of course, that all changed today when he was overcome with the burning need to make this stupid post in the first place.
What would Asch do afterward? He hadn't gotten around to thinking that far because it's something he never would have done in the first place. Just another random act of compulsion brought on by deities or something of the sort.
He wanted to know what Guy wanted him to do about it. Or perhaps what anyone would want him to do about it at this point. Should he just choose something right then and there? What would he choose--it's not like selecting a purpose in life was as easy as a spur of the moment decision. It'd be something to dedicate and devote oneself to.]
I really don't know what to do now, other than live.
[That, and he really doesn't know how to live. Not just yet. Survival had always been a simple instinct. But actually living life for the sake of living was another thing altogether.]
no subject
[Guy sounds slightly frustrated, but a lot calmer than Asch. He wishes he knew how to teach Asch and Luke the basics of the ego bordering on arrogance they both seem to have forgotten. The feeling that they have the right to live, that they don't need permission to exist.]
[The idea of needing outside confirmation for a meaningful existence really bothers him.]
Isn't just living a good start? You won't figure anything out just following other people's ideas. Isn't living and making your own judgments important enough to exist for?
It's not like every purpose has to be--it shouldn't be--written in stone, summed up clearly. That's just the same as living by the Score.