stupidgenes: ([4] i'm PATHETIC)
Asch the Bloody ([personal profile] stupidgenes) wrote2011-06-09 05:30 am
Entry tags:

XX3: Vulnerable [Voice - backdated to June 8]

[Low voice. Quiet admissions.]

I'm pathetic. All I wanted--needed--was their approval, their acceptance.

Nothing was ever good enough. I'm always... too soft, too weak.

Too worthless.

Meaningless.

All I wanted was to exist.

I just wanted a reason to be alive. But the only reason I found--


[Insert stifled, choked sob here.]

PATHETIC.

[Recorded silence that lasts a few seconds too long. Awkward. /end]
explains: (I AM SO SERIOUS GUYS)

I really shouldn't have laughed.

[personal profile] explains 2011-06-09 09:35 am (UTC)(link)
Asch.

... [No, Asch is curses and while Guy's cursed too, he'd rather do this in person. Even if Asch probably would rather not.]

See you in a few.

Why not? Asch is a bona fide comedian.

[identity profile] stupidgenes.livejournal.com 2011-06-09 09:44 am (UTC)(link)
NO. Don't come here.

[He can't handle this. Plus, it's Guy. AGAIN.

Dammit, *this* is why he moved out.
]

Don't you *dare* come here.
explains: (Default)

This is true, I think I laughed 99% of the time he was on screen...

[personal profile] explains 2011-06-09 09:49 am (UTC)(link)
[Not listening. Or heeding his wishes or being respectful of Asch's desire to not have him show up.]

[So when he knocks on the door he adds, loudly enough to be heard.]

Don't make me break your door down.

[Or try to ninja through the window.]

He tries SO HARD. to be srs and all. He really should just stop since his existence is funny.

[identity profile] stupidgenes.livejournal.com 2011-06-09 10:00 am (UTC)(link)
Go away!

[Asch goes to the door anyway, but only to prepare for Guy's barging in. That is, until he decides that he doesn't want his apartment damaged.

He opens the door, keeping it slightly ajar.
]

Guy, I don't need this right now.

[But if not now, then when will he ever need it?]
explains: (Bitch bitch bitch)

But it's how hard he tries that's so adorable!

[personal profile] explains 2011-06-09 10:05 am (UTC)(link)
[Opening it at all was Asch's mistake. Guy braces one hand on the door and leans. Asch is not getting it closed without a fight and if Guy can he is shoving his way inside.]

What do you need? To be alone? So you can tell yourself more crap like I heard a few minutes ago?

Open the door, Asch.

[identity profile] stupidgenes.livejournal.com 2011-06-10 05:14 am (UTC)(link)
... Shut up.

[Asch reluctantly steps back from the door, releasing it to allow Guy in. He can't even bring himself to look at the blond right now.

He's only just begun to process the fact that Guy called his unusual admission "crap".
]

What do you think this is? Some kind of joke?
explains: (Default)

[personal profile] explains 2011-06-10 05:40 am (UTC)(link)
Do I look amused?

[Guy steps in, frowning and letting the door close. Awkward with Asch aside, it's... Good to know what Asch is thinking. Even if it's a curse.]

Is that what you've been thinking this whole time? Or were you told that? [Did Van tell you that?]

[identity profile] stupidgenes.livejournal.com 2011-06-10 10:43 am (UTC)(link)
[Insert short and awkward silence here.]

It's what I've been thinking. It's been that way for so long--it's the reason you were hired to take care of me, isn't it?
explains: (Default)

[personal profile] explains 2011-06-10 03:24 pm (UTC)(link)
Are you an idiot? Every lord needs an attendant.

[Even if it is unusual that the attendant to the tertiary heir to the throne was a disposable "peasant" not a knight or squire.]

But that's not the point, is it? What happened to you? When we were younger you used to be so confident it would piss me off. So what's all this?

[Because this is pissing him off even more.]

[identity profile] stupidgenes.livejournal.com 2011-06-11 04:01 pm (UTC)(link)
Don't change the subject on me!

[To Asch, it is a *very* valid point to bring up. Maybe lords do need their attendants, but couldn't his father have at least tried to support him? Tried to approve in some way? Then again, he was made to die, wasn't he? So there wouldn't have been much of a point to it. Father was always so busy--too busy, in fact. As if he made himself more busy than necessary for the very purpose of pretending his son didn't even exist. Asch never received any praise in the few moments they ever spent together, but only stern reminders of duty, obligation, responsibility. He had always pushed on to reach that impossibly high bar, but Father never once made anything of it.]

Father wouldn't acknowledge me. You wanted to kill me. Van wanted to use me. That would have been fine if he wasn't going to fill the world with replicas.

[It didn't matter that he knew Van was the one who kidnapped him in the first place. Nor did it matter that Van had created his replica, the same one who would be accepted in his place. If Van's ideas didn't include replicating everyone, he would have changed the world with him. It was not only a purpose, but a truly noble one.

Asch had been groomed for a greater purpose, yet was meant to die as a nothing. He had fought so hard to give himself a meaning of even the slightest sort. If he had died, he wouldn't have to think about whether or not he was good enough. But he's not dead--no, he's alive in this stupid city facing someone who discarded him and supported the replica's purpose.
]

And what about confidence!? How would *you* know what it was like having to deal with that?
explains: (Bring it to nationals)

[personal profile] explains 2011-06-11 05:31 pm (UTC)(link)
[Guy knows Asch's father never gave a damn, he was there after all. He's just missing the piece about why. Not that he can't make a somewhat educated guess there, by now.]

[But being asked how he'd know how it feels, that just annoys him.]

You're right, I wouldn't. I wouldn't know how it feels to be replaced and give up on getting it back. I wouldn't know how it feels to be betrayed and abandoned, or needed by someone who only wants my power.

But you know what I do know? You don't find a purpose. You don't let someone hand it to you. No one makes your life meaningful, hands you a task and say this is why you were born. That's no better than listening to the Score, letting someone control you.

You make your purpose, you exist despite anyone else, and you struggle against everything that comes at you with all you have, and you don't apologize for existing. For surviving. For being.

And if you can't even do that much, then I wonder what you really intend to do.

[It pisses him off. He knows what it's like to lose everything. And you can't take back what's lost. Relying too much on others to find your own purpose--feeling worthless and pathetic and without a meaning in existence? Yeah, he knows how that feels too. Any maybe it's because he knows that is angers him so much now.]

[identity profile] stupidgenes.livejournal.com 2011-06-16 08:08 am (UTC)(link)
Shut up!

[Dammit, Guy! Asch hates being wrong! And he *also* hates being cornered!

He is currently in both predicaments but is additionally just not of sound mind at the moment. If he was, then he certainly wouldn't have ever made this stupid post to the network.

There'll be more points against being in this City when Asch realizes this curse. This is starting to get out of hand.
]

Dammit, just shut up!

[He's telling himself that this isn't about logic, that there's a flaw in Guy's argument, that he could just be plain wrong.









...and then he tells himself that this is just *stupid*.

Why can't Guy just leave him the hell alone? He's another person who wanted to take everything from him--it would have been gone if Guy had only killed him. When was he expecting to do that? Why did he change his mind? What the hell was Guy living for?

Asch falls silent, taking a moment to process things a little more. He'll likely be slow-boat if Guy uses the opportunity to elaborate. Regardless, he suddenly continues with the following...
]

Why did you come here? [Why did Guy come to his apartment after that pathetic show on the network?]
explains: (All up in Asch's grill)

[personal profile] explains 2011-06-16 08:26 am (UTC)(link)
[Being told to shut up doesn't phase him. It's like a fon Fabre stock phrase. It's practically how the stupid redheads say hello.]

Because hearing you talk like that really pissed me off. [Which is true but not all of it. It pissed him off because he cares, whether he's really ready to admit it in so many words or not. He crosses his arms, leans back against the door, cutting off the exit, essentially.]

Living only for the sake of some outside meaning in your existence? Yeah, I'd agree that's pretty pathetic.

[Not elaborating, instead, questioning.]

So what I want to know is what you intend to do about it.
Edited 2011-06-16 08:27 (UTC)

[identity profile] stupidgenes.livejournal.com 2011-06-16 08:55 am (UTC)(link)
I DON'T KNOW.

[Asch is a little more than lost right now.

Here he is, fessing up to feelings of inadequacy that have always been hiding somewhere behind his resolute outdoor voice. He's never trusted anyone but himself, never sought counsel regarding his fears. Of course, that all changed today when he was overcome with the burning need to make this stupid post in the first place.

What would Asch do afterward? He hadn't gotten around to thinking that far because it's something he never would have done in the first place. Just another random act of compulsion brought on by deities or something of the sort.

He wanted to know what Guy wanted him to do about it. Or perhaps what anyone would want him to do about it at this point. Should he just choose something right then and there? What would he choose--it's not like selecting a purpose in life was as easy as a spur of the moment decision. It'd be something to dedicate and devote oneself to.
]

I really don't know what to do now, other than live.

[That, and he really doesn't know how to live. Not just yet. Survival had always been a simple instinct. But actually living life for the sake of living was another thing altogether.]
explains: (Trying to pull a Yuri)

[personal profile] explains 2011-06-16 07:40 pm (UTC)(link)
Isn't that good enough for now?

[Guy sounds slightly frustrated, but a lot calmer than Asch. He wishes he knew how to teach Asch and Luke the basics of the ego bordering on arrogance they both seem to have forgotten. The feeling that they have the right to live, that they don't need permission to exist.]

[The idea of needing outside confirmation for a meaningful existence really bothers him.]

Isn't just living a good start? You won't figure anything out just following other people's ideas. Isn't living and making your own judgments important enough to exist for?

It's not like every purpose has to be--it shouldn't be--written in stone, summed up clearly. That's just the same as living by the Score.
blastiafreak: ([skit] so in denial)

voice;

[personal profile] blastiafreak 2011-06-09 01:52 pm (UTC)(link)
[ALL THE AWKWARDNESS HERE because she's used to him being angry and annoying. Just what. What do.]

Uh...What the hell are you talking about?

voice;

[identity profile] stupidgenes.livejournal.com 2011-06-09 04:47 pm (UTC)(link)
[He will hate himself some more later when he finds out that he's spilled his heart out.]

I'm talking about how I've never been good enough and how it's no real wonder I was replaced so easily after being kidnapped.
blastiafreak: ([manga] d-don't be stupid...)

voice;

[personal profile] blastiafreak 2011-06-09 06:40 pm (UTC)(link)
...Oh. Right. You mentioned replicas.

[It's very strange having him spill his heart out to her, too, of all people.]

voice;

[identity profile] stupidgenes.livejournal.com 2011-06-10 05:08 am (UTC)(link)
They just accepted him without asking any questions, even though he couldn't walk or talk.

He didn't have to live up to the same standards of being Luke fon Fabre... and since they already had him, what would they need me for?
blastiafreak: ([manga] skeptical)

voice;

[personal profile] blastiafreak 2011-06-10 06:37 pm (UTC)(link)
So...nobody was suspicious or anything?

voice;

[identity profile] stupidgenes.livejournal.com 2011-06-11 03:37 pm (UTC)(link)
Doesn't look like it. They were probably too relieved to get 'Luke' back to even think about it.
blastiafreak: ([skit] so in denial)

voice;

[personal profile] blastiafreak 2011-06-12 02:20 pm (UTC)(link)
...I don't know if this is exactly common in your world, but...That's...pretty weird. [Her poor attempt at responding. What is this conversation ever.]

voice;

[identity profile] stupidgenes.livejournal.com 2011-06-16 07:52 am (UTC)(link)
It wasn't at first. Then the God-Generals put Van's *stupid* plan into motion and began replicating people. But by then, things weren't the same as when my replica returned to the manor. It was more obvious that they weren't the same, like when replicas turned up during their own originals' funerals.

[identity profile] stupidgenes.livejournal.com 2011-06-10 05:03 am (UTC)(link)
Are you able to relate somehow, or are you just mocking me?

[identity profile] stupidgenes.livejournal.com 2011-06-10 05:14 am (UTC)(link)
Am I some kind of experiment to you, too?
greatergone: (drama is supposed to be here)

[personal profile] greatergone 2011-06-09 05:32 pm (UTC)(link)
I...understand exactly what you mean.

[identity profile] stupidgenes.livejournal.com 2011-06-10 05:04 am (UTC)(link)
Do you have... a reason to live?
greatergone: (what was that noise)

[personal profile] greatergone 2011-06-10 05:06 am (UTC)(link)
My only reason to live is to kill who I am ordered to kill. That is all.

[identity profile] stupidgenes.livejournal.com 2011-06-10 05:16 am (UTC)(link)
I see. I don't think our situations are really the same. I don't have a purpose anymore.

Everything was stolen from me long ago, and the only reason I have found to live... is so that I die.
Edited 2011-06-10 05:17 (UTC)
greatergone: (you have my rifle)

[personal profile] greatergone 2011-06-10 05:19 am (UTC)(link)
They may not be the same but I can understand. Right now I have no enemies and no leaders. Therefore, I do not know what I must do. Knowing that I could at least serve a purpose by dying, I would heartily take it.

[identity profile] stupidgenes.livejournal.com 2011-06-10 05:25 am (UTC)(link)
That's what I thought, too, before I arrived here. I thought death would be the end.

But it's not the end. I'm here, and I'm still alive... without a reason. Without gaining their approval *OR* acceptance. Worthless.
greatergone: (mugshot)

[personal profile] greatergone 2011-06-10 05:43 am (UTC)(link)
My apologies but I am unable to offer you a solution or comforting words.

[identity profile] stupidgenes.livejournal.com 2011-06-10 05:57 am (UTC)(link)
It's fine. You don't know what you're doing in a place like this, too.

Maybe there'll be a time we'll know what we're meant to do. But who knows how long it will be until then.

... [Oh yeah. He realizes that he doesn't know who he's talking to.] Who are you, anyway? Are you one of those people who knew the me who was here before?
greatergone: (now look here)

[personal profile] greatergone 2011-06-10 06:00 am (UTC)(link)
No, I do not know you. I am Shas'la Kais, or Kais if you prefer.

[identity profile] stupidgenes.livejournal.com 2011-06-10 10:45 am (UTC)(link)
Asch. [He's not a 'pleased to meet you' kinda guy.]

So are you new around here?
greatergone: (now look here)

[personal profile] greatergone 2011-06-10 05:17 pm (UTC)(link)
In a relative sense, yes.

[identity profile] stupidgenes.livejournal.com 2011-06-11 03:38 pm (UTC)(link)
Has anyone already briefed you about the situation here?
greatergone: (now look here)

[personal profile] greatergone 2011-06-11 05:02 pm (UTC)(link)
I am fully aware, yes.