Asch the Bloody (
stupidgenes) wrote2011-06-09 05:30 am
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XX3: Vulnerable [Voice - backdated to June 8]
[Low voice. Quiet admissions.]
I'm pathetic. All I wanted--needed--was their approval, their acceptance.
Nothing was ever good enough. I'm always... too soft, too weak.
Too worthless.
Meaningless.
All I wanted was to exist.
I just wanted a reason to be alive. But the only reason I found--
[Insert stifled, choked sob here.]
PATHETIC.
[Recorded silence that lasts a few seconds too long. Awkward. /end]
I'm pathetic. All I wanted--needed--was their approval, their acceptance.
Nothing was ever good enough. I'm always... too soft, too weak.
Too worthless.
Meaningless.
All I wanted was to exist.
I just wanted a reason to be alive. But the only reason I found--
[Insert stifled, choked sob here.]
PATHETIC.
[Recorded silence that lasts a few seconds too long. Awkward. /end]
I really shouldn't have laughed.
... [No, Asch is curses and while Guy's cursed too, he'd rather do this in person. Even if Asch probably would rather not.]
See you in a few.
Why not? Asch is a bona fide comedian.
[He can't handle this. Plus, it's Guy. AGAIN.
Dammit, *this* is why he moved out.]
Don't you *dare* come here.
This is true, I think I laughed 99% of the time he was on screen...
[So when he knocks on the door he adds, loudly enough to be heard.]
Don't make me break your door down.
[Or try to ninja through the window.]
He tries SO HARD. to be srs and all. He really should just stop since his existence is funny.
[Asch goes to the door anyway, but only to prepare for Guy's barging in. That is, until he decides that he doesn't want his apartment damaged.
He opens the door, keeping it slightly ajar.]
Guy, I don't need this right now.
[But if not now, then when will he ever need it?]
But it's how hard he tries that's so adorable!
What do you need? To be alone? So you can tell yourself more crap like I heard a few minutes ago?
Open the door, Asch.
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[Asch reluctantly steps back from the door, releasing it to allow Guy in. He can't even bring himself to look at the blond right now.
He's only just begun to process the fact that Guy called his
unusualadmission "crap".]What do you think this is? Some kind of joke?
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[Guy steps in, frowning and letting the door close. Awkward with Asch aside, it's... Good to know what Asch is thinking. Even if it's a curse.]
Is that what you've been thinking this whole time? Or were you told that? [Did Van tell you that?]
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It's what I've been thinking. It's been that way for so long--it's the reason you were hired to take care of me, isn't it?
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[Even if it is unusual that the attendant to the tertiary heir to the throne was a disposable "peasant" not a knight or squire.]
But that's not the point, is it? What happened to you? When we were younger you used to be so confident it would piss me off. So what's all this?
[Because this is pissing him off even more.]
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[To Asch, it is a *very* valid point to bring up. Maybe lords do need their attendants, but couldn't his father have at least tried to support him? Tried to approve in some way? Then again, he was made to die, wasn't he? So there wouldn't have been much of a point to it. Father was always so busy--too busy, in fact. As if he made himself more busy than necessary for the very purpose of pretending his son didn't even exist. Asch never received any praise in the few moments they ever spent together, but only stern reminders of duty, obligation, responsibility. He had always pushed on to reach that impossibly high bar, but Father never once made anything of it.]
Father wouldn't acknowledge me. You wanted to kill me. Van wanted to use me. That would have been fine if he wasn't going to fill the world with replicas.
[It didn't matter that he knew Van was the one who kidnapped him in the first place. Nor did it matter that Van had created his replica, the same one who would be accepted in his place. If Van's ideas didn't include replicating everyone, he would have changed the world with him. It was not only a purpose, but a truly noble one.
Asch had been groomed for a greater purpose, yet was meant to die as a nothing. He had fought so hard to give himself a meaning of even the slightest sort. If he had died, he wouldn't have to think about whether or not he was good enough. But he's not dead--no, he's alive in this stupid city facing someone who discarded him and supported the replica's purpose.]
And what about confidence!? How would *you* know what it was like having to deal with that?
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[But being asked how he'd know how it feels, that just annoys him.]
You're right, I wouldn't. I wouldn't know how it feels to be replaced and give up on getting it back. I wouldn't know how it feels to be betrayed and abandoned, or needed by someone who only wants my power.
But you know what I do know? You don't find a purpose. You don't let someone hand it to you. No one makes your life meaningful, hands you a task and say this is why you were born. That's no better than listening to the Score, letting someone control you.
You make your purpose, you exist despite anyone else, and you struggle against everything that comes at you with all you have, and you don't apologize for existing. For surviving. For being.
And if you can't even do that much, then I wonder what you really intend to do.
[It pisses him off. He knows what it's like to lose everything. And you can't take back what's lost. Relying too much on others to find your own purpose--feeling worthless and pathetic and without a meaning in existence? Yeah, he knows how that feels too. Any maybe it's because he knows that is angers him so much now.]
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[Dammit, Guy! Asch hates being wrong! And he *also* hates being cornered!
He is currently in both predicaments but is additionally just not of sound mind at the moment. If he was, then he certainly wouldn't have ever made this stupid post to the network.
There'll be more points against being in this City when Asch realizes this curse. This is starting to get out of hand.]
Dammit, just shut up!
[He's telling himself that this isn't about logic, that there's a flaw in Guy's argument, that he could just be plain wrong.
...and then he tells himself that this is just *stupid*.
Why can't Guy just leave him the hell alone? He's another person who wanted to take everything from him--it would have been gone if Guy had only killed him. When was he expecting to do that? Why did he change his mind? What the hell was Guy living for?
Asch falls silent, taking a moment to process things a little more. He'll likely be slow-boat if Guy uses the opportunity to elaborate. Regardless, he suddenly continues with the following...]
Why did you come here? [Why did Guy come to his apartment after that pathetic show on the network?]
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Because hearing you talk like that really pissed me off. [Which is true but not all of it. It pissed him off because he cares, whether he's really ready to admit it in so many words or not. He crosses his arms, leans back against the door, cutting off the exit, essentially.]
Living only for the sake of some outside meaning in your existence? Yeah, I'd agree that's pretty pathetic.
[Not elaborating, instead, questioning.]
So what I want to know is what you intend to do about it.
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[Asch is a little more than lost right now.
Here he is, fessing up to feelings of inadequacy that have always been hiding somewhere behind his resolute outdoor voice. He's never trusted anyone but himself, never sought counsel regarding his fears. Of course, that all changed today when he was overcome with the burning need to make this stupid post in the first place.
What would Asch do afterward? He hadn't gotten around to thinking that far because it's something he never would have done in the first place. Just another random act of compulsion brought on by deities or something of the sort.
He wanted to know what Guy wanted him to do about it. Or perhaps what anyone would want him to do about it at this point. Should he just choose something right then and there? What would he choose--it's not like selecting a purpose in life was as easy as a spur of the moment decision. It'd be something to dedicate and devote oneself to.]
I really don't know what to do now, other than live.
[That, and he really doesn't know how to live. Not just yet. Survival had always been a simple instinct. But actually living life for the sake of living was another thing altogether.]
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[Guy sounds slightly frustrated, but a lot calmer than Asch. He wishes he knew how to teach Asch and Luke the basics of the ego bordering on arrogance they both seem to have forgotten. The feeling that they have the right to live, that they don't need permission to exist.]
[The idea of needing outside confirmation for a meaningful existence really bothers him.]
Isn't just living a good start? You won't figure anything out just following other people's ideas. Isn't living and making your own judgments important enough to exist for?
It's not like every purpose has to be--it shouldn't be--written in stone, summed up clearly. That's just the same as living by the Score.
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Uh...What the hell are you talking about?
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I'm talking about how I've never been good enough and how it's no real wonder I was replaced so easily after being kidnapped.
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[It's very strange having him spill his heart out to her, too, of all people.]
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He didn't have to live up to the same standards of being Luke fon Fabre... and since they already had him, what would they need me for?
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Everything was stolen from me long ago, and the only reason I have found to live... is so that I die.
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But it's not the end. I'm here, and I'm still alive... without a reason. Without gaining their approval *OR* acceptance. Worthless.
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Maybe there'll be a time we'll know what we're meant to do. But who knows how long it will be until then.
... [Oh yeah. He realizes that he doesn't know who he's talking to.] Who are you, anyway? Are you one of those people who knew the me who was here before?
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So are you new around here?
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